Motherfucking Zombie Exterminators is perhaps my favourite script to date. I wrote it as a short film with a larger story in mind. The BlueCat analysis came off as pretty strong for me, although some structural adjustments would be necessary to get on the contest radar. I resubmitted, so there are two analyses. Parts have been deleted to protect story elements.
FIRST ANALYSIS:
What did you like about this script?
The best aspect of this script is the wonderfully unique, subversive, counterculture take on the “zombie fighter” trope. Matt, Jaynie, and Rickly Splits aren’t hardened dystopian warriors, or competent soldiers, or struggling survivors. (…) The writer has layered genuine charm into their lifestyle. The fun they have is infectious, their personalities are endearing, and it’s easy to see why they treasure the weird, ramshackle life they lead. Thanks to Matt’s conflict over whether to lead a more normal, responsible life, and to their real love for each other and concern when someone is injured, these characters also possess enough gravitas and heart that we can take them seriously as sympathetic protagonists with nuanced internal lives. (…)
What do you think needs work?
I would suggest that the writer focus primarily on world-building. The setting of this story is confusing, and gives rise to too many unanswered questions. (…) However, it was then revealed that zombies are a local issue, with the root cause still undiscovered. So where are the military, the government, the international news, and the mass panic? The bizarre religious fervor that leads to a spontaneous public exorcism is another aspect of this setting that makes no sense.
Magina and dialogue are two more aspects that could use some work. Magina doesn’t add much value to the narrative – the extensive inside look into why these zombies are appearing is unnecessary – and falls a little short of realism. I would recommend cutting Magina from the story entirely, in order to devote more time to developing the heart of the narrative, which is our zombie-fighting trio. In terms of dialogue, there’s a lot of vague talk about “the man,” without clear, concrete examples of what that means. “The man” is a tired line that doesn’t create much resonance.
As I mentioned, the ellipsis occurs where I deleted the plot from the analysis. I was so impressed with this feedback, that I thought I would resubmit the script and try one more time to see if it could be a quarter-final contender.
SECOND ANALYSIS:
What did you like about this script?
This fun and funny script has improved in a lot of ways! The writer has made some significant changes, such as largely removing Magina. The space that freed up went toward developing the main trio of Matt, Jaynie, and Rickly Splits (I especially appreciated getting to spend more time with the latter two). Another bonus is that Magina is now twice as intriguing in its dual role (…) Magina wasn’t completely excised from the narrative, but the writer brought me around on that. It’s great in its current incarnation. In particular, I liked the scene depicting a soon-to-be-zombified homeless man rooting around in Magina’s dumpster. It’s a clever, deft way to communicate their involvement.
Clarity of the premise was another big improvement in this revision. The writer never veers too far into exposition, but makes it clear through dialogue that (….) This perfectly explains the exterminators’ role in the story and place in their society. I also really, really enjoyed seeing the writer crank the town’s religious fervor up to 11; their witchhunt-esque enthusiasm was wonderfully fun and served as the perfect contrast for the exterminator trio’s personalities and lifestyle.
What do you think needs work?
The characters and story are in solid shape, but the plot could be made more effective via some structural enhancements. As it stands, there isn’t much of a sense of rising tension; (…) The plot should move forward with more driving force – and, fortunately, all the elements needed for that are already present in this story, and just need some structural support to shine. (…) There’s no need to overcomplicate things and overwhelm the narrative — these subplots could be as simple as 1) setup (introduce Matt’s conflict between his two life paths), 2) test (Matt gets invited to coffee), and 3) choice (Matt chooses the exterminators) – but will help keep things moving, let us connect more deeply with the characters, and provide resonance to the ending.
Here’s the link to: BlueCat Screenplay Competition.